"One Life, One Master" For a kai, how does that really play out??
Hello all,
There are a couple questions that I would like to address before I actually become a kai owner.
Please bear with me and any naivete on my part-- I've been drawn to dogs all my life but have not much experience interacting with one on a daily basis.
One question I have is the "One Life, One Master" trait, or the strong bonding a kai (or, it seems, most nihon ken) will have with its Chosen Human.
How does it happen? Is it usually the alpha of the family that ends up being chosen, or is it the person who spends the most time with the dog?? Does a person really have any control over the choice, or it's mostly up to the inclination of the dog? Can the bonding be predicted at all??
Here's the situation: I am a stay-at-home mom and will be the one taking care of the puppy and getting it trained.
My husband (the "alpha" of the pack) commutes long hours to his new job and may end up getting a place to stay nearer to where he works while I and the kid(s) stay put in Davis. This means he will have much less face time with the pup than I.
Now, you might be thinking that I want myself to be the one bonding with the dog... but actually, if at all possible, I want the pup to bond with my husband or even my very young son (who will be ~5 when we actually get a pup). Is this something that can be promoted one way or another, given that I will be the one that's taking care of the dog most of the time?
Sorry if my question seems naïve or too simplistic. I'm just really curious about this bonding process.
Thank you in advance for any insight!
Mona
There are a couple questions that I would like to address before I actually become a kai owner.
Please bear with me and any naivete on my part-- I've been drawn to dogs all my life but have not much experience interacting with one on a daily basis.
One question I have is the "One Life, One Master" trait, or the strong bonding a kai (or, it seems, most nihon ken) will have with its Chosen Human.
How does it happen? Is it usually the alpha of the family that ends up being chosen, or is it the person who spends the most time with the dog?? Does a person really have any control over the choice, or it's mostly up to the inclination of the dog? Can the bonding be predicted at all??
Here's the situation: I am a stay-at-home mom and will be the one taking care of the puppy and getting it trained.
My husband (the "alpha" of the pack) commutes long hours to his new job and may end up getting a place to stay nearer to where he works while I and the kid(s) stay put in Davis. This means he will have much less face time with the pup than I.
Now, you might be thinking that I want myself to be the one bonding with the dog... but actually, if at all possible, I want the pup to bond with my husband or even my very young son (who will be ~5 when we actually get a pup). Is this something that can be promoted one way or another, given that I will be the one that's taking care of the dog most of the time?
Sorry if my question seems naïve or too simplistic. I'm just really curious about this bonding process.
Thank you in advance for any insight!
Mona
Comments
You can't really expect a 5 year old to be capable of providing a dog's primary relationship needs- the child has his own motivations and can't be in charge of walks, fetch, find it, hikes, classes and feeding or respond to a dog's needs. They would certainly be great buddies, but the dog will grow up quickly and always know your son is still a child.
Be careful with what you think 'alpha' means- in common dog forum parlance people use it to indicate a forceful dictatorship kind of top-down relationship with a subordinate, and very concerned with rank and service, which they mistakenly believe dogs need and even want. This is a mistaken idea from an outdated, inaccurate wolf observation, and has little truth for wolves, let alone dogs. The dog wants "good things for dogs" to happen, and will be much more trusting of and loyal to the person who consistently makes "good things for dogs" happen for them, than to an 'alpha' figure. Kai are especially sensitive, and you can get so much greatness out of them by fostering a benevolent, active relationship together as partners sharing things together.
If it is your husband who desires the deep Kai-bond the most, then my advice would be to wait until he has more time to devote to the dog and to build that relationship, and read up on modern dog training- positive reinforcement and relationship-based training in the meantime. Nihon Ken respond especially poorly to TV-show-style dominance/alpha theory and methods- no one should ever frighten/intimidate any dog in training, though some dogs may seem to succeed in spite of it, but especially a Kai, for whom flight lives especially close under the surface, the relationship will deteriorate very quickly and unforgivingly. Dog repair projects are lifelong and not super fun, I can attest.
The problems we have seen in the community with Kai have been directly related to deficiencies in their bond- rehoming can take a long time for a Kai to re-bond, and Kai that have been lost at large have gotten that way due to being frightened and bolting in a situation in which they have become unmoored between owners, or with a person they are not yet bonded to. The bond is definitely key.
Thank you so much for taking the time to write out a thoughtful and insightful post. Much appreciated! What you wrote makes a great deal of sense to me and I will be absolutely taking your advice.
Actually, I'm the one driving Project Let's Get a Kai in my family, not anybody else.
(In fact, it took over 10 years of doggedly dropping hints to turn my husband's attitude around about allowing a canine into our household. Very glad to say that he's now very firmly behind the project.) Nothing would make me happier if the puppy would look to me to be his/her anchoring presence. It would be incredibly inhumane to reject his/her wish.
And yes, moving forward, I will be careful of using the term "alpha" on a dog forum! :O Thank you for pointing that out. Please be assured that dominance/intimidation is NOT the type of method I wish to use with my kai!! My hope is to treat the pup as I have my three year old: much patience, empathy, and love.
I adopted Rika (Kai Ken) about a year and a half ago, when she just turned 2 years old. Her development in the time until now has been exceptional, in my view. She went from a kennel environment to being the one and only Princess in the little country shack we live in. She went from the city Yokohama to the mountains in Fukushima, and she is exhibiting everything you could want and hope for in a breed like this.
She is beyond a doubt a one guy type of girl (but of course gender is not relevant to this discussion). She is happy around my wife and kids when they visit, and she trusts them, but she has a perception of hierarchy, if I'm perceiving this correctly. For example, she certainly sees herself as my son's big sister (he's taller than me and only 15).
I think she sees me as the "top dog". She sees herself as a Princess (part of the reason she needed to be re-homed). She's quite fine sharing our space with the rest of the family, but she has shown an adamant aggression against those that either I haven't approved/vetted (someone walking outside the window like the delivery guy), or she is completely indifferent and prefers to ignore them when we are out on walks. And this could be the same person. A neighbour that she thinks is too close to the window will get snarls and aggressive barks, but if we pass him next to the rice field outside she either can be friendly or ignore him, based on her mood.
I know there was discussion about the misperceptions about the term "Alpha dog" and such, and I don't dispute those comments. I respect every person's right to opinion and belief. However, in my experience throughout life with multiple breeds, I do feel that dogs do sense and expect some sort of hierarchy. Perhaps not to the extent of Wolves or other species, but they look for leadership, or they exert it themselves. IF one does not demonstrate their leadership, then someone else will fill the void. That is true among humans, and we have such a strong bond of development with dogs that I believe it extends to the relationship between us as well.
Just my ¥2.. your mileage may vary.
As far as a heirarchy... The dogs mind me the best. I believe it is because I am the one who did the actual training and I give them the most care. Like I said, I stay home. That means 90% of walking, feeding, and playing falls on my happy shoulders. That also means I correct inappropriate behavior more often as well.
I hope this helps. I am by no means an expert.. Just a dog lover throwing in some personal experiences.
Thank you so much for your input-- very helpful.
@Rikachan,
When you say that Rika sees herself as your son's big sister, how does she behave around him? Does she play with him but not listen to his commands?
@Myabee09,
Interesting story about your Shiba. Did you get her when she was a pup or a little older? Glad to hear your kai chose you. My situation is going to be similar to yours, I think: I will be the one taking care of the kai pup most of the time.
When my wife and children come to stay, she is quite happy with them "in our space", and often sits next to my wife in the evenings. She has slept next to my son in the next room, in what seemed to me to be a protective action. He sees me play "tug-of-war" with her and a Kong or rope toy. He's tried to do the same and she either ignores him, or once when he reached for it, she gave him a warning growl (don't touch my toy). He hasn't really tried to give her commands, because even if he calls her to him, she will either ignore or come, based on her mood.
So, overall, she's friendly to family, but it seems like she sees a hierarchy, and she's near the top, next to me. This is not because of my attitudes or actions either. I'm not a bossy parent, and certainly not a bossy husband, I don't act like or think I'm in charge, but she seems to see things that way.
Thank you for describing how Rika interacts with your other family members. That's exactly the kind of information I was curious about! I'm trying to imagine (as concretely as possible) how a kai puppy might fit into my current family dynamic. Well, reality will take its own course in due time, I suppose. Can hardly wait!
Trust: If I get home to a mess, she tears apart that trash that was opportunistically left out and had more food scraps than usual, etc - then I don't show anger. I can't come up with an example where I was visibly displeased at her outside of situations where I catch her doing something inappropriate. I'm 100% her safe place and do not manhandle her or use physical correction. Therefore, she comes over to hide behind me when she's scared or nervous, instead of bolting, and she does not hesitate to come over when called. I am a veritable fountain of "good stuff for dogs" and she has no reason to worry about whether "bad stuff for dogs" is going to happen when she comes over
Patience: You can't force a Kai into trusting you or behaving the way you want. They need coaching and praise to let them know that "Yes! You did great and should do more of that!", as often you'll (assuming you do end up with a Kai) see them look to you for guidance. It's common for them to do a "look at the thing, look at mom/dad to see what they think about the thing + can I go interact with the thing?" or a "do a thing, look at mom/dad to see if the thing I did was ok, hurray the thing was ok!/hmm I shouldn't do that thing (when mom/dad is around anyways!)" lol.
Affection: As a general rule, Kai love when you show them any kind of affection and love to please their person/people. When they do something great that makes their people happy, they think that's super great. Especially when followed up with super great neck scritches and happy voices. They don't hesitate to show their affection for the people they like, and will suspiciously withhold it from people they're not that interested in/unsure about.
Structure: They like their "safe place" den, whether that's under the bed or their crate. Once a bond is well established, then you are also their safe place. Use the same kind of tone and voice for corrections, preferably a firm, but level tone for the average correction. They don't need top of the lungs "NO BAD, DONT DO THAT", with Ren all she needs is a "Nuh uh, that's not it" when we're doing commands, or "Hey! Nuh uh!" when it's something that needs more firm correcting. After enough training, the standard "Nuh uh, that's not it" is enough for 99% of circumstances. Consistency is key for everything.
Utilize those three traits for any kind of training that you do and a Kai will bond to you, and bond strongly. The "strongly" part is what comes about with that saying of "One Kai, One Owner". In most cases you are that Kai's WORLD once they give you their trust. There are definitely more outgoing Kai than others, but there's a fearful trait that comes and goes with them and lies under the surface. The usual dog will shut down in an anxious situation (Kai do this with the "dominance" approach), whereas a Kai that isn't bonded will flat out sprint away and never come back.
Once they have that bond with you, they are going to hold that bond and expectation of being with you again, and it can take a while to build that back up in a new home. If I remember right, it took a particular rehomed Kai over a month to "accept" that their new owner was worth opening up to. Before that it was "camp out under the bed/in the closet, take food but don't let them touch me if possible".
As for structure in the "pack", as @Rikachan mentioned, they will consider you their partner, but basically the partner that wears the pants lol. They are your equal (more or less), but defer to you for guidance. Maybe a better example is that you are the master and they are your dedicated student. People outside of your bond are not their equal, they are "friends" that they will look to you for how to behave towards them.
Kai (and probably many breeds) are not going to be receptive to strong verbal berating and definitely not any type or form of physical discipline. They will shut their emotional door to you. Slam. It just doesn't work. None of that "dog whisperer" silliness that has been shown on US TV in the past. (is it still on?) A Kai will probably just run away, or at least emotionally block you. They might obey, but that's only fear, not trust or respect.
So, it's been written repeatedly that Kai have a very strong flight instinct. Absolutely. But as @cezieg wrote, when the bond of trust is established, you become/are their "safe place". An example is thunder or fireworks. Last summer, after a few months of adoption, Rika would hide in corners at the sound of thunder. This year, I'm her safe place. If she feels any fear, she doesn't show flight tendencies by hiding, she demonstrates her trust and our bond by coming very close to me, often to the point of almost being in my lap, because she trusts our relationship and my ability to protect her from the uncertainty of those scary sounds.
Like was mentioned, a meaningful bond takes time. Unfortunately I don't yet have the privilege of life with a Kai puppy, so I'm not able to comment about it. However, life with an adopted Kai is a very rewarding experience, though it requires patience and understanding support.
Initially, I wanted a male because there was a slightly higher chance that being a female - he might establish a greater bond with me. That "theory" is really hit or miss but in most of my pet-parent relationships, I've had a greater probability of a bond with a male vs female.
However, my fiance refused to have a male dog in the house (fear of marking behavior) so we settled on a female. My concern was that she would bond more to him as he has a tendency to be perceived as the Alpha (deeper voice, more stern) and because of the opposite gender possibility. It turned out that my Shiba was more sociable and "softer" than Shibas usually are and she ended up bonding with me because my personality was much more compatible and complimentary to hers. In addition, I also spear-headed all her training, socialization outings, feeding, etc so that obviously helped.
My Shiba still actually prefers to play with my fiance over me - she comes to me for everything else though. One thing that I find amusing is that if she is upset with me about something, she mopes and goes to my fiance for attention (yesterday I came home too late for her nightly walk around the neighborhood and she moped and cuddled next to him all night to punish me
Cezieg and Rikachan, I'm getting a much clearer picture of what kai temperament is like through your stories. Much appreciated!
@Rikachan, I just read the CM thread over the weekend and am now determined more than ever to use non-abusive methods for training my dog! For the life of me, I can't understand why people endowed CM with the title "Dog Whisperer"-- Buck (the original Horse Whisperer) is probably appalled. Fortunately for me, Davis has some really good dog trainers. I am looking forward to learning about positive training methods.
And Kira_Inu, thank you for sharing your story as well. It's so cute that your dog "mopes"; that just shows how much she loves you!! I hope the new pup will be able to establish meaningful bonds with everyone in my household.
@ Bootz, I agree, kai really are amazing. The more I read these personal experiences, the more attracted I am to the kai. And actually, my next addition will (hopefully) be a human as well, to be followed by a kai pup... So please wish me luck!!
It's great to hear about how an adult nihonken is able to adjust to a new owner and environment. Seems like it can be a very difficult and protracted process, given how disruptive rehoming can be to a nihonken's psyche... Mya is a very lucky dog to have such a dedicated owner!
Sorry for the late response-- I've been inactive on the forum for a couple of months. Reading lots of threads, though.